omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
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