Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
