A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Randomize
