I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
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