I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
