Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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