pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
