The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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