Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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