So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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