So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
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