I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
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