if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
Randomize
