John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Randomize
