Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
