I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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