My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Randomize
