This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Randomize
