When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
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