I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
So is there a reason your dad is passed out naked in my shower? P.S. Congrats on the family dong.
I didn't get it..
I'm sorry. But to the original question please.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
