i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
But i just feel like he will pull it out and ill panic. I mean its fairly basic. Up and down. But i feel like ill just freak out.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
