I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
