The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
