I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Randomize
