For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
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