Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
