My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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