My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Can you bring me the toilet please
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Randomize
