I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
