He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
