It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
