my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize
