True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
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I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
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My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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