so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
