Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
