I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
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