God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
Houston, we have a blender
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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