My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize
