My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
You may now shotgun with the bride
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
