New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Damn victory sex feels great
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
