if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
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