Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
