we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
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