so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Randomize
