Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
