i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
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yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
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We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
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