lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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