The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
