I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Randomize
