Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
