Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
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