He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
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I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
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I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
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