I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
