I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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