did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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