I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
