I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Randomize
