you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
