final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Randomize
